booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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