His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
