shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
