Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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