I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
