plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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