why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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