I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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