Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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