You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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