The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well I just put wine in my tea
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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