I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
