I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
