I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
