my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
