Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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