i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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