dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
