I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
