babies were throwing up all over the place
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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