My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
