Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My dick has a subreddit
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
