my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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