i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
