first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
