I can tuck mytits in my pants
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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