Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
