Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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