the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
