I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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