the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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