She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
