I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
