And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
