insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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