I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
