how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
