I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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