So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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