Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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