I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
