you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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