Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
