He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
