My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
