Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
50% drunk capacity currently
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
