The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
