There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I could fuck to npr.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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