As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
