i love accidental penises.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
this boner is exhausting
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
